So there you are, actively on Tinder and getting matches left, right and centre which is a nice change from the tumbleweed you were getting the last two weeks. It’s almost too good to be true, which makes you think…
Did all the half-decent lads in Dublin just become single at once?
Have I been on Tinder long enough that the site gave me a break?
Whatever it was, I was living it up, because who knew when that tumbleweed would come back around and leave me wondering the opposite…
Are there plenty of fish in the sea?
Fish I could mate with of course, because by Jesus there are all sorts of fishes on Tinder and I mean ALL sorts. Whatever you’re into you will most definitely come across it on Tinder. Trust me. Just keep fishing, you’re bound to eventually catch one that you can picture yourself settling down in a coral reef somewhere and having a school of children, but unfortunately what I’m looking for doesn’t seem to be on the menu and if I’m not in the mood to eat what’s being served you best believe I will just pick at it when all I really want is to lob my face right in there. I guess beggars can’t be choosers but unfortunately I’m a fussy eater. (Sorry I’m actually starving writing this).
So while I’m swiping through the European Union of “Fishes” the first thing I look for is eyes. Those eyes can’t be “I’m going to murder you in your sleep” eyes because I’m not into that and if you are “Gowan ya fifty shades of grey mad bitches” If that boy is wearing sunglasses, I don’t care how much his abs could grate my cheese, If I can’t see his eyes it’s going to be a left swipe. There is no way I’m risking a date with potential “killer eyes” and not the good kind.
Second thing: they can’t have the name “He-who-shall-not-be-named”. You would be surprised, there are loads of the feckers out there with the same name. Just so happens, it’s a very common name. Who would have thought? I didn’t until I had to see it every second swipe. Like give me a break life. Tryna move on here. This common name also happens to be the name of lots of sexy fishes that I have to blacklist because that can’t be healthy, can it? At least you won’t have the fear of calling your new bae by old baes name. In all seriousness though, look at Ben Affleck. He went from Jenny from the block to Jenny from the big screen. That must have been weird right? I don’t know if I could handle it. I mean maybe if they spelled it differently. No, sorry I couldn’t, Old bae would forever be popping in and out of my mind. Time to move on because TBH every time I see his name on Tinder I have a mini stroke so I couldn’t be dealing, but yeah I’m over him. SWEAR.
Third thing: if anyone remotely looks like “He-who-shall-not-be-named”…
“Who? Me?”
…they are heading straight for the toilet with the rest of them. I’m not walking around with no look alike. Which probably explains why I have been on a foreign rampage lately. I mean that is just as bad as having the same name. Isn’t it? So if you’re in the same boat as me, probably not the best to trade in a micra for a micra, Why not go for a Lamborghini instead?
Forth thing: sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. Is that all you bloody boys think about? I mean don’t get me wrong I’m not against it but let’s just say I prefer food. Note: Food is the way into my knickers…and all of the above, good luck! If your opening line is anything to do with you getting the ride, well then you can jump back in the ocean with your tadpoles and call me when you’re a gentleman. I mean, what the f**k?! I’m not a brothel. I’m not on Tinder for your needs. At least bring me on three dates first so I can still remain classy, enough. Jokes.
Do men actually think girls are just going to sleep with them if they ask?
Do women sleep with men when they ask?
Am I just not with the times?
Are there any good men left that don’t have this mentality?
Why can’t Tinder have a filter of sex, date, marriage?
Fifth thing: if they smoke, so long. I have been kissing an ashtray the last five years and getting second hand smokers breath, hair and clothes as well as being left sitting alone in places while they get their next fix. No thanks, I’m done with that life.
You had me at loss of breath
Sixth thing: that boy needs to have a good-ass job. I’m not messing around with no actors or musicians, you know the kind that excite you but they’re never going to be good for you. You’re more than likely not going to progress with the quirky, artsy, laid back kind, which is a God-awful shame because I love a talented man. Unfortunately they will just need a lend of money a lot and will never be able to treat you, but you better believe they will be in the pub with their quirky, artsy, laid back friends. I’m looking for someone driven. I need an independent man to match my independent woman because I can’t be the money maker, housewife, chef, mother, lover, carer, taxi driver and provider again. I will not settle for that life again because now I know my worth.
Is having a good job an important factor for people on Tinder?
How do you know who’s looking for what you are?
So that’s it just six things that I couldn’t be dealing with and what I look for while swiping through Tinder. Only six things, that’s not much to ask is it? Only six things, well only six main things. I also keep an eye out for nice hair, clear skin, nice smile, good wardrobe, clever shoes, peachy bum, big hands, tall and good build.
After all, I have to enjoy what I’m swimming next to
Until Next week.
Tinderella
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Tinderella 