Ex-pect the un-Ex-pected

So I don’t care what girl you are, whether you’ve been dumped or done the dumping there’s always going to be the “What if I bump into my ex?” thought running through your head when you’re revisiting places you used to go with x-Bae or on a night out. You’re naturally going to be a bit on guard for that awkward moment of seeing x-Bae again and, if you do see him again, where and when and will you be looking flawless? If you’re not you might as well just end it there because your life is officially over. (It’s not, you’ll live to see another day) let’s be real you’re more than likely going to be rotten because the odds of you looking flawless over wearing a hun bun, leggings and not a scratch of make-up are slim.

#scenechange I was in my room working out or doing something productive (eating a sharing bags of skips) and I get a text from my friend.

“Do you want to come see a play Friday? I’ve a free ticket.”

I mean he had me at free, so I said yes. Friday comes and I throw him a text to find out what the story is…

Where? When? What? How?

He replied “where “He-who-shall-not-be-named” used to study and where your life progressed into a living hell dragged out over two years” (those weren’t his exact words but that’s how I read it).

“Got an A+ in Living Hell Creation 101”

No, no, no, No NO! Straight away I was freaking out, naturally. I lost my appetite, my heart felt empty and I was shaking. I was clearly not ready to bump into him. I mean I never got closure and although I say I’m over him, can I look him in the eye and feel I am? Probably not, will I tell you what I’d more than likely end up doing…crying. A nice ‘aul cry. Not on purpose as this would be the last thing I’d want to do. All feelings aside and, in an ideal world, I’d like to be strong and keep my tears for the notebook.

I texted my friend back “Are you for real?” and he replied “Look, the odds of him being in that theatre, on that night, to see that play, in a theatre festival (plays were on all over Dublin) are very slim.” Once I read this sentence of sense over a few times, he was 100% right. The odds were ridiculously slim to the point where I calmed the f**k and started to feel hungry again. Damn. Having said that, I was taking no prisoners. Yes, the odds were low but if that 1% and my luck had a baby, it would be called Tinderella. I was going to be looking flawless.

Smooth as a baby’s ass (just in cases he sensed I wasn’t, 5 years, like, I’m sure he knows)

Tan (because pale does not suit me)

Curly Sue (something he loved but now can’t have)

Cleavage on fleek (push up bras are life)

I was looking so hot, I would even date me. I was ready! If by all the odds “He-who-shall-not-be-named” was going to be in my vicinity he was going to be like…

Off I went being an anxious wreck, the thoughts of stepping back into the world of ego-driven personas, in fear of having to actually have a conversation with one of them. NO thank you. As I parked my car, my surroundings were oh-too familiar and suddenly that empty feeling came back. I texted my friend to see if he was already in there because there was no way I was walking through those double doors without having an army member. He was already there and gave me the all clear to enter the building.

As I entered the building holding my breath, I scanned the room and there was no sign of x-Bae. As I sighed with relief my friend comes up to me and I can relax. He introduces me to his friends, we get talking and I’m laughing away without a care in the world. Then all of a sudden in my peripheral vision I pick up on familiar body language. Turns out me and my friend would never be fit for the army because we failed to spot the only thing we had to keep an eye on. Straight away I knew it was him. In all the theatres in all the towns he had to walk into mine. He was leaning against the wall by his side, head into his phone and biting the nail of his thumb. He always did that when he was nervous. But why is he nervous? He must have seen me. His body language being closed off doesn’t suggest any different and he must have heard me laugh. He would’ve known it was me. I thought all this in less than a second before I grabbed my friend and asked him was I crazy or am I seeing “He-who-shall-not-be-named?”

“Being illogical, was I?!!”

In the time it took him to look over and back at me I was already gone.

I ran to the toilet to get myself together because I lied, I was not ready. I worked myself into a state, my breath became short and I was starting to have a panic attack. I needed to calm down, quick. I can’t let him see me like this. I began to talk to myself in the mirror while I tapped my cheeks to snap me out of it.

“You can do this”

“You’re OK, relax”

“You deserve better”

“He’s a dope”

I was like something that dropped out of a romcom movie but I wasn’t being paid. I had no choice but to go back in and face the music. As much as I wanted to set camp in the toilet it was time for me to be a big girl and face my demons. My friend was waiting for me outside the door he assured me I was right and to keep looking forward and walk straight into the show.

As I walked into the theatre I laughed because the show couldn’t be set up more perfect for the situation. The stage was in the middle of the room with seats on the right and left facing each other. The right side was already full which meant he would have to sit opposite me. Perfect. We will be sitting across from each other for an hour and fifteen minutes. As I watched the door like a horror movie I was shaking. Just come in already and put me out of my misery.

Then the doors closed…what?! Are you actually kidding me?! He didn’t come in. He actually didn’t come in. Wow. What a coward. What an absolute coward of a man. He thinks he made a swift escape without being seen. I mean I know I’m blind but come on. He actually ditched the play to avoid me. We were in the same room and he blanked me out straight. That hurts.  After five years of me giving him everything and going through all the nerves to get here, he couldn’t even give me a “hello”. I guess some things never change.

When I look back on that night now I laugh (mainly because he’s a joke) but the whole thing was so silly. I mean im proud that I walked straight into his territory looking hot, I feel bad ass about that. If I seen him now though I would not fall apart like I did that night. But would he still cower away? I have no doubt that he would do the same thing. The funniest thing of the whole night though is he still thinks he got away with murder. Like he actually thinks he was incognito…SAKE! So if anyone bumps into him can you tell him “she saw you, you spa!”

Until next week

Tinderella

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