Terms of Enjoyment

Absolute apologies for the late blog. I’m up to me tits with men y’know yourself the single life ‘n’ all. So back to business, lately I’ve been getting all mixed up. I know. Me? Mixed up? Sure I have my life together, right? Wrong! My life is flipping scattered on the three corners of the Bermuda triangle and I’m lost in the middle, so if at any stage you’re reading my blog and wishing, God, I wish my life was like hers (which I highly doubt anyone is with how my blogs have been going), then don’t because I’m just the same as you, but I’m writing about it because the struggle is real and us girls got to help each other out, in other words, so you can learn from my newly single, stupid  and slightly crazy mistakes. #independantwoman on a mission.

So, lately I have been getting mixed up between liking someone and liking someone’s company. What’s the difference you might ask? Turns out there is a big difference and it’s something that you need to know because it is easy to settle for comfort. Oh don’t I know it’s easy to settle for comfort, it’s not called comfort for the craic. Everyone wants that person to go home to cuddle and vent to at the end of a long day. We weren’t built to be lone wolves, we crave attention, we need affection, we need skin on skin contact it’s a part of our nature. Nowadays people get anxiety from not having constant contact with someone throughout the day so, when is enough enough?

To tell you the truth, since “He-who-shall-not-be-named” I have not yet fell head over heels for someone (but foreign Bae was a good contender) and it’s not like I’m sitting on my couch and hoping someone will fall from the sky, I’m getting out there and going on dates and meeting all different types of men that I didn’t even know existed. It’s fun but it’s also tiring and takes up time. There’s nothing worse than when you have been texting someone a while and then when you meet up you feel nothing. All my dates resolve in me not seeing them again. What’s the point? I feel nothing, right? Wrong. Yes, sometimes you go on dates and the spark is just there from hello, that’s what it was like with me and my ex. Then, on the other hand, sparks grow over time.

#SCENECHANGE I was crying in the arms of my Irish mammy, who was not aware I was so upset about the modern dating scene because I was dolled up to the nines and off out on a date every second day. (This was when I just joined Tinder) I know was I a slut or what? I should have set up my own non-sexual escort service where men just buy me food. I was getting lost in the excitement of dating as it was not something I had ever done before. In the excitement I ended up getting my emotions lost too. I was on so many dates I didn’t have time to stop and think of how I felt.  When it all caught up with me and the dates died down I also got down. I was on a dating rampage and when the rampage ended I didn’t know what to do with myself other than think about how none of them worked out. “MAM!”

Mam said life isn’t a fairy tale, you’re not going to know a person in one date, If you feel nothing but you think they’re nice and good looking give them a second chance. Mam had a point; No one made the cut for round two.

Skip on to a lot of dates later with “The Teacher”. I was seeing him a good few weeks, he wasn’t Brad Pitt or anything but there was something about him. He was tall, he dressed well, he had a good job, his own car, lived out of home, attentive and an absolute gentleman. So, what was wrong with him you might ask? I couldn’t tell you other than no matter how much I tried, something was missing. He was much better than “He-who-shall-not-be-named” but yet there I was trying to feel something I just couldn’t feel. So much so, I ended up thinking I did like him.

We texted every day, our snap streak was on 52 days and counting. Like that is dedication. We we’re seeing each other at least once a week and going on dates and it was fun. I had been to his house, he had been to mine, it was all going grand, but grand was all it was.

When we were apart I started missing him, I grew excited when it was time for us to meet up, I couldn’t wait to see him. Then when I did see him all that excitement went out the window. What the hell was that all about? Then it all clicked, I started listening to myself as I spoke about him. All I ever said was “I enjoy him”, I enjoy him? Would ya go f**k off with your enjoy, but I meant it in the nicest possibly way because it was true I did enjoy him, very much. I suppose deep down I felt this wasn’t going to go anywhere but, I didn’t realise I was doing anything wrong at the time because it was the first person that got way past round two of dating me and I didn’t know if this was just dating. It was like I was playing a game for the first time and winging it because I didn’t know the rules.

When we met up i liked his smell, his hugs and when he held my hand. I never cared for getting to know him on another level other than spending time with him and having fun. Sometimes I found myself holding his hand, closing my and imagining he was “he-who-shall-not-be-named” and suddenly everything felt like it was back to normal until he opened his mouth and ruined it. This is all crazy I know but i couldn’t help it. I guess it was those moments of make believe that I was subconsciously excited for and I craved the comfort of that normality again even though it was complete insanity.

I found myself wanting to meet up with him again to get that feeling of “normal” back. It was not fair on me and it was most definitely not fair on him. It was like I was a drug addict craving my next fix but the high never lasted and I was always left confused. I could never pinpoint the difference between the high and the low. I never opened up with him so I hoped he never opened up with me. There I was again subconsciously building walls and keeping my guard up. I didn’t like him, I enjoyed him. I enjoyed him but enjoying someone isn’t enough to stay with someone for their company.

Is it OK to just “enjoy” someone?

When is enough, enough?

Was I still in love with my ex and bringing those emotions into dating?

How are you suppose to feel when dating?

I learned a lot from seeing “The Teacher” he was a great guy but he just wasn’t the guy for me. I guess I’m still in some ways mourning “He-who-shall-not-be-named” and although I’m getting on with my life and I’m happy, I’m still carrying around the baggage of rejection. It does get easier but I’ve learnt you have to take time to sit and listen to your head as well as your heart as your heart will sometimes get you into trouble. It took me a while to figure out I was finding comfort in him but now I’m aware of it, I know the difference between liking someone and liking someone’s company.

Am I just not ready to find that spark?

Do I still need more time to heal?

Is getting into a relationship straight after a relationship a bad idea?

We need to learn to enjoy our own company when we get out of a relationship, we need to programme ourselves to know that we are all we need and that nothing is missing because we are enough.  We aren’t going to break our hearts, we’re not going to let us down, we have our own backs and we are flipping good company! We are stronger than we realise, we can take more than we give ourselves credit for, we got dragged through the dirt and we are here clean and standing on the other side. Never settle for comfort. Find comfort in yourself.

Until next week

Tinderella

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