Well, if it hasn’t only been a while since I’ve been on a date, I don’t know about you but I think after all that hibernation it’s time to get back out there. To the Tinder-mobile! (Batmobile…no? Well at least I tried). There I was, back fishing in the hopes of catching something juicy, not going to lie there was nothing amazing out there so I had to just take a bargain on a meh fish because maybe, just maybe, he would be better in person and I was ready to test this theory out. Not like I was up to anything else during the week other than working out. (Lies, all lies)
Bra off, sweats on, surrounded by a food haven – Accurate
Enter the strange one, I came across him after a million no’s, he worked in an office, was tall and he had nice eyes so, at this point I was getting restless so I said f**k it and swiped right. We were talking for nearly two weeks and he asked me on a date. Now every time we talked it was on his terms he always just checked in for a bit and then said goodbye, which I didn’t think anything of at the time, who wants to be texting someone all day anyway. Not this girl. I never got a weird vibe off him in text. He spelled everything in perfect English with full stops and question marks, he asked real questions and gave definite answers. I thought nothing of it because isn’t that how it should be? This guy seems clever I thought.
A bit too clever….
We decided we were going to go to a tapas restaurant for a meal after work. I had never been to the restaurant before, and I wasn’t too keen on tapas because I knew coming around to dinner time I was going to start getting hangry, and I’m not a fan of taking risks when it comes to trying new things in that state of mind.
After work, I did a stars in their eyes transformation, sure you would have never known it was me forty minutes previous. Once looking hot, off I went. I was nervous because it had been a while since I’d been on a date. I didn’t want my transformation to be a waste because it was an effort. As I walked up to the restaurant, I saw a guy sitting on the bench outside, was that him? I thought to myself, I really should buy contacts, I’m blind AF.
He saw me coming, stood up and towered over me. As I went in for a hug, he went to shake my hand so, what we got was this awkward half-hug/handshake situation because naturally when you see a hand you shake it, reflexes ‘n all. You think one of us would have addressed the situation, no, no words could fix whatever that encounter was.
Scared for life!
As we walked into the restaurant I eyed him up, he was still wearing his work clothes and had a school bag on his back, ok, now I feel over dressed. When we sat down he wasted no time but to get stuck into the water. “Thirsty are you?” “No, I just love water”, he said. Ok, who says that, he must be nervous.
“You look better in person, ok I take that back.” “Excuse me?” “Yeah you look better in person, from your photos.” “Em thanks, I guess.” I lifted my menu up to my face because I was giving him all sorts of looks and didn’t want him to see. Better in person, I picked six of the most fab pictures of me, how dare he, I’m hungry I don’t need this, was that supposed to be a compliment, he’ll rue this day. It felt like over ten minutes of looking at the menu, enough time for him to finish the whole jug of water to himself, thanks anyway I wasn’t thirsty at all.
I tried to break the silence by asking what he was going to get and he just went ehhh… for like five seconds and said sorry I can’t think and talk. Grand I’ll just amuse myself so. The waiter finally came over to break the silence and I couldn’t be happier. “Yes, I will have the nachos, garlic bread and chicken wings.” I didn’t give two f**ks about impressing your man because I already knew this was a fail in the making and the garlic bread was me building an aroma shield so he wouldn’t try and kiss me. After all that he ordered chips and a jug of water. Ok plain Jane calm down. Then he excused himself to go the toilet. I wasn’t surprised!
At that point I took the opportunity to text my Ma and let her know your man seemed weird, I could possibly be murdered and he has a drinking problem, and not the good kind. To which she replied just have fun. Wise words on her part, but was there fun to be had with water boy?
When he came back he finally started talking, seeing as he didn’t have the menu stealing his attention. He noticed that they still didn’t bring a jug of water, this frustrated him and he seemed unsettled until the waiter brought it over to which he was on like a light saying “I love water” yeah we’ve been over this Dory.
“Anyway how come you just ordered chips?” I had to ask seeing as I was being a fat mess. He said he only likes plain food and wasn’t really hungry, but came here before with work and he liked it. I couldn’t help but think he came back for the chips, which was enough to have a personal battle of trying not to laugh.
In attempts to continue this one sided conversation and my utmost love for food I asked did he cook. He said yeah. So, you can only imagine I nearly died when he said he cooks oven pizza, and only oven pizza. In my eyes oven pizza isn’t cooking. I just couldn’t sit on it I needed to know more, have you never cooked a Sunday dinner or anything? No, I wouldn’t know how to cook a potato! Nooo! How do you not know how to cook potatoes? Now you’re going to think I’m making this up and I full on wish I was but I’m not. He said where do you even buy potatoes? Do you just buy one or do they come in a bag?
Was this bloke messing? I laughed out loud. You’re messing? He wasn’t messing. After all we went through with the famine and this guy doesn’t know how to cook a potatoe. At that point I thought something was wrong until he said his ma does all the cooking and that she makes him an omelette for breakfast every morning. Stopppp. Talk about being molly coddled. What grown man still gets their breakfast made by their ma? A strange man, that’s who!
Now just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, he said he doesn’t drink tea, that didn’t bother me what bothered me was the next part. He said he didn’t know how to make it. At this stage I’m thinking all sorts.
Is he Benjamin button?
Is there more to this guy?
Does he know his chips came from a potatoe?
Is he not hydrated yet?
I’ve never came across anyone that didn’t know how to make tea, never mind tell someone about it. People shun you for that type of sh*t, especially in Ireland. His exact words were “I’m sure I could make it if I tried I just wouldn’t know in what order to make it, milk then teabag or teabag then milk”
What do you say back to a man that can’t make tea?
At this point he finished his second jug of water and took a second trip to the loo. We haven’t even eaten yet and he’s already spent most of the date in the restroom. Hurry up food so I can leave!
While he was in the toilet I texted my Ma, “I think he’s a bit special he doesn’t know how to make potatoes and he’s obsessed with water.” To which she replied “That’s mad.” Wise words, it was mad, but how mad was waterboy?
When he came back all the food was on the table, I’m not going to lie I died and went to heaven at the sight of it. Thank God for food or this date would have been a real disaster. Of course he couldn’t eat until he had more water. As he sipped into jug number three, I couldn’t help but watch him eat his chips with a fork, there was something childlike about him not to mention odd.
Then something clicked, he hasn’t sustained eye contact since we sat, he can’t cook, nor does he seem to have the ability, he can’t sit easy without water and he is very direct. I was one hundred percent sure at this point that there was something up with this guy, but What?
I didn’t know for sure but it was all just too much, there was no way someone could be that odd without something being wrong, right? Or do I just need to date more? I felt awful and sad at the same time. Awful for laughing at his cooking ability and sad because this is the best I could get on Tinder. Like seriously!
When It was time to pay he said he got it, at this stage there was no way I could let him pay, sure he only had three jugs of water and chips, didn’t seem fair. The whole date lasted over an hour, soon as the meal was paid for it was time for me to go. We said our awkward goodbyes and I walked away feeling defeated.
Go Fish!
This all got me thinking, you just really don’t know what you’re going to get on Tinder. Fishing for hours and my fish is socially awkward. One thing for sure is, my friends found it hilarious and said it was typical for me to be in that situation. Sometimes I feel, you just can’t write this stuff!!
Until Next Week
Tinderella
x
Tinderella 