Drinking Like A Fish

Well, if it hasn’t only been a while since I’ve been on a date, I don’t know about you but I think after all that hibernation it’s time to get back out there. To the Tinder-mobile! (Batmobile…no? Well at least I tried). There I was, back fishing in the hopes of catching something juicy, not going to lie there was nothing amazing out there so I had to just take a bargain on a meh fish because maybe, just maybe, he would be better in person and I was ready to test this theory out. Not like I was up to anything else during the week other than working out. (Lies, all lies)

Bra off, sweats on, surrounded by a food haven – Accurate 

Enter the strange one, I came across him after a million no’s, he worked in an office, was tall and he had nice eyes so, at this point I was getting restless so I said f**k it and swiped right. We were talking for nearly two weeks and he asked me on a date. Now every time we talked it was on his terms he always just checked in for a bit and then said goodbye, which I didn’t think anything of at the time, who wants to be texting someone all day anyway. Not this girl. I never got a weird vibe off him in text. He spelled everything in perfect English with full stops and question marks, he asked real questions and gave definite answers. I thought nothing of it because isn’t that how it should be? This guy seems clever I thought.

A bit too clever….

We decided we were going to go to a tapas restaurant for a meal after work. I had never been to the restaurant before, and I wasn’t too keen on tapas because I knew coming around to dinner time I was going to start getting hangry, and I’m not a fan of taking risks when it comes to trying new things in that state of mind.

After work, I did a stars in their eyes transformation, sure you would have never known it was me forty minutes previous. Once looking hot, off I went. I was nervous because it had been a while since I’d been on a date. I didn’t want my transformation to be a waste because it was an effort. As I walked up to the restaurant, I saw a guy sitting on the bench outside, was that him? I thought to myself, I really should buy contacts, I’m blind AF.

He saw me coming, stood up and towered over me. As I went in for a hug, he went to shake my hand so, what we got was this awkward half-hug/handshake situation because naturally when you see a hand you shake it, reflexes ‘n all. You think one of us would have addressed the situation, no, no words could fix whatever that encounter was.

Scared for life!

As we walked into the restaurant I eyed him up, he was still wearing his work clothes and had a school bag on his back, ok, now I feel over dressed. When we sat down he wasted no time but to get stuck into the water. “Thirsty are you?” “No, I just love water”, he said. Ok, who says that, he must be nervous.

“You look better in person, ok I take that back.” “Excuse me?” “Yeah you look better in person, from your photos.” “Em thanks, I guess.” I lifted my menu up to my face because I was giving him all sorts of  looks and didn’t want him to see. Better in person, I picked six of the most fab pictures of me, how dare he, I’m hungry I don’t need this, was that supposed to be a compliment, he’ll rue this day. It felt like over ten minutes of looking at the menu, enough time for him to finish the whole jug of water to himself, thanks anyway I wasn’t thirsty at all.

I tried to break the silence by asking what he was going to get and he just went ehhh… for like five seconds and said sorry I can’t think and talk. Grand I’ll just amuse myself so. The waiter finally came over to break the silence and I couldn’t be happier. “Yes, I will have the nachos, garlic bread and chicken wings.” I didn’t give two f**ks about impressing your man because I already knew this was a fail in the making and the garlic bread was me building an aroma shield so he wouldn’t try and kiss me. After all that he ordered chips and a jug of water. Ok plain Jane calm down. Then he excused himself to go the toilet. I wasn’t surprised!

At that point I took the opportunity to text my Ma and let her know your man seemed weird, I could possibly be murdered and he has a drinking problem, and not the good kind. To which she replied just have fun. Wise words on her part, but was there fun to be had with water boy?

When he came back he finally started talking, seeing as he didn’t have the menu stealing his attention. He noticed that they still didn’t bring a jug of water, this frustrated him and he seemed unsettled until the waiter brought it over to which he was on like a light  saying “I love water” yeah we’ve been over this Dory.

“Anyway how come you just ordered chips?” I had to ask seeing as I was being a fat mess. He said he only likes plain food and wasn’t really hungry, but came here before with work and he liked it. I couldn’t help but think he came back for the chips, which was enough to have a personal battle of trying not to laugh.

In attempts to continue this one sided conversation and my utmost love for food I asked did he cook. He said yeah. So, you can only imagine I nearly died when he said he cooks oven pizza, and only oven pizza. In my eyes oven pizza isn’t cooking. I just couldn’t sit on it I needed to know more, have you never cooked a Sunday dinner or anything? No, I wouldn’t know how to cook a potato! Nooo! How do you not know how to cook potatoes? Now you’re going to think I’m making this up and I full on wish I was but I’m not. He said where do you even buy potatoes? Do you just buy one or do they come in a bag?

Was this bloke messing? I laughed out loud. You’re messing? He wasn’t messing. After all we went through with the famine and this guy doesn’t know how to cook a potatoe. At that point I thought something was wrong until he said his ma does all the cooking and that she makes him an omelette for breakfast every morning. Stopppp. Talk about being molly coddled. What grown man still gets their breakfast made by their ma? A strange man, that’s who!

Now just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, he said he doesn’t drink tea, that didn’t bother me what bothered me was the next part. He said he didn’t know how to make it.  At this stage I’m thinking all sorts.

Is he Benjamin button?

Is there more to this guy?

Does he know his chips came from a potatoe?

Is he not hydrated yet?

I’ve never came across anyone that didn’t know how to make tea, never mind tell someone about it. People shun you for that type of sh*t, especially in Ireland. His exact words were “I’m sure I could make it if I tried I just wouldn’t know in what order to make it, milk then teabag or teabag then milk”

What do you say back to a man that can’t make tea?

At this point he finished his second jug of water and took a second trip to the loo. We haven’t even eaten yet and he’s already spent most of the date in the restroom. Hurry up food so I can leave!

While he was in the toilet I texted my Ma, “I think he’s a bit special he doesn’t know how to make potatoes and he’s obsessed with water.” To which she replied “That’s mad.” Wise words, it was mad, but how mad was waterboy?

When he came back all the food was on the table, I’m not going to lie I died and went to heaven at the sight of it. Thank God for food or this date would have been a real disaster. Of course he couldn’t eat until he had more water. As he sipped into jug number three, I couldn’t help but watch him eat his chips with a fork, there was something childlike about him not to mention odd.

Then something clicked, he hasn’t sustained eye contact since we sat, he can’t cook, nor does he seem to have the ability, he can’t sit easy without water and he is very direct. I was one hundred percent sure at this point that there was something up with this guy, but What?

I didn’t know for sure but it was all just too much, there was no way someone could be that odd without something being wrong, right? Or do I just need to date more? I felt awful and sad at the same time. Awful for laughing at his cooking ability and sad because this is the best I could get on Tinder. Like seriously!

When It was time to pay he said he got it, at this stage there was no way I could let him pay, sure he only had three jugs of water and chips, didn’t seem fair. The whole date lasted over an hour, soon as the meal was paid for it was time for me to go. We said our awkward goodbyes and I walked away feeling defeated.

Go Fish!

This all got me thinking, you just really don’t know what you’re going to get on Tinder. Fishing for hours and my fish is socially awkward. One thing for sure is, my friends found it hilarious and said it was typical for me to be in that situation. Sometimes I feel, you just can’t write this stuff!!

Until Next Week

Tinderella

x

 

The Reality Of My Galentine’s Was Nothing Like My Expectations!

So as you all know it was my first Valentine’s single in five years and blah blah blah, you know the drill. Well, I’m sure you’re all wondering how I got on, seeing as I wrote two blogs in a row of “How to survive Valentine’s single” and “Forget V-day it’s all about G-day.” Now by writing these blogs not only did I pump myself up and get myself in the mindset of being single on the day of “love” but I also gave myself super  high expectations. Expectations so high that my reality is just plain gas.

Expectations:

Meet up with my group of single girls (all my friends are full on taken so I don’t know where I was going with that idea in the first place) and hit the town to where there would be nothing but singletons as far as the eye can see. A moss pit of handsome single men, who would be on the lookout for a single gal like me. We would head to Capital for pre drinks, where I would be hit on by so many single men that I would think to myself “I could set up a side job of being a nonsexual call girl.”

After that spark of confidence, the girls and I would hit up Coppers, naturally. To where we would do numerous shots and be the mad single bitches that we are. After fully intoxicating ourselves we would dance on top of tables and get told repeatedly to get down by the bouncer. Then Lauren would lob the gob with him to shut him up, which we all would appreciate. (‘Atta girl Lauren!)

Image of me on the bar!

Clearly lads would be all over us like, it’s Valentine’s and we’re single and so are they, so naturally we would lock lips and exchange phone numbers to where we would ghost them and never see them again. Let’s be real you wouldn’t want to give a night like that up for some Coppers wear.

Then we would all get a taxi home together before stopping off and getting a pizza for the journey home. We would always talk about our epic single Galentine’s and it would work its way into our best woman speeches throughout the group.

Reality:

Met up with one single friend that brought along her single friend (single people are so scarce) and we went to Capital because cocktails were two for seven euro and little did we know that was the closest thing to cock we were getting that night. When we arrived the place was covered in couples, I’m not going to lie but I was shocked. There was so many couples that you would swear it was Valentine’s or something.

There were some couples that must have been on a first date because the awkwardness was making me even feel awkward for them. Then some couples were clearly just newly in a relationship because you could have literally cut the sexual tension with a rasher, I full on wanted what they were having, or were going to have or just had in the jacks five minutes ago, let’s be real. Then there were couples that have been together years and couldn’t string a sentence between them , but just sat there looking at the new couples day dreaming of happier times and for the other part they were on there phone doing one of three things…

One: on social media telling the world of how much fun they were having and bae is the best bf ever (even though I can say otherwise).

Two: scrolling through their newsfeed hoping something pops up that will spark conversation or…

Three: texting someone they shouldn’t be! In the list of all these couples there was us three girls just looking at them.

Like we were full on stalking all of them otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to elaborate on all their different statuses. We all agreed we were happy being single and being out with ex-bae was the last thing we would want to do, but still, that didn’t stop us from talking about them. For practically the whole night.

Are you happy you? Does that make you flipping happy babe?

Yes that is right my Galentine’s was spent talking about “He-who-shall-not-be-named” And just a sprinkle of previous tinder dates to mix things up a bit. Overall it was all mainly about boys. Wdf…?

Can woman not just go out and not talk about boys?

Was it being out for the first time single on Valentine’s that brought it on?

Did we all just need a good rant?

Do girls just naturally talk about boys in general?

You all know my expectations, so having “He-who-shall-not-be-named” pass my lips numerous times was the last thing I had imagined would have happened, but there I was. Five cocktails later and it was time to call it a night…I know, wild. The truth is, it was never going to be a wild night because it was a flipping Tuesday. SAKE!

On leaving the club I refused to leave this night without kissing something and go to bed feeling empty and if that something was a large quarter pounder meal from McDonald’s then so be it! At least I can guarantee happiness at the end of it. So off I went with my single girlo to macky d’s, tipsily skipping away down the road to see Donald like he was Zac Effron.

With the first bite of that burger, I was right, it was happiness, I didn’t need a man, I had a burger. I know it sounds silly and cringe but Valentine’s is about love and being happy, well, I was happy and I loved and was loved and I didn’t need a man to feel those things. Just sharing the day with friends and eating a burger was enough.

No, I didn’t get the wear and no, I didn’t dance on tables but sure I can do that on any night out. Just because I didn’t do it on Valentine’s isn’t a big deal, the main thing is I wasn’t alone, I didn’t cry and I wasn’t wanting to be with “He-who-shall-not-be-named” and that in itself is progress and a successful night. I hope you all had a happy and successful Galantine’s too.

Until Next Week

Tinderella

X

Forget V-Day It’s All About G-Day!

This being my first Valentine’s single in five years, I can completely understand the scariness of being alone on V-day, even writing that sentence leaves me with an empty feeling in my stomach.

But, when I think about it, what am I missing? A man, a male, a boy, a guy, a lad, a dude – Just that one thing is missing from my February 14th and let’s be real it’s nothing I can’t live without – Sure “He-who-could-not-be-named” couldn’t even put up a bleeding picture!

Us girls can do just fine without a man after all “Anything they can do, we can do better” so swap that testosterone for oestrogen and that Valentine’s for Galentine’s.

Galentine’s Day!

Planning an anti-Valentine’s party for your single girlos is a must this V-day.

Who says you need a man to have fun when you have some very fun and very single friends to confess your undying love for.

Throw a Galentine’s party with pajamas, alcohol, Doritos and dick straws, yes you heard me, dick straws and have the absolute drunken girlie bants.

Party it up like the lonely ‘aul spinsters that you are and own it!

Set up camp with a box of Kleenex as you dehydrate yourself watching the notebook.

Have a rant about all those stupid bitches like Mary in relationships and getting the ride while you’re over here slowly turning back into a virgin!

Intoxicate yourself to the point were you pass out among the company of your bestos and get the best night’s sleep ever!

Ex’s ritual!

Yes, your reading that right, Ex’s ritual, whats that you might ask?

Ritual by definition “is a sequence of activities involving gestures, words, and objects, performed in a sequestered place”,  in simpler words – when you burn all your ex’s shit.

What better way to let go of the old and make room for the new then literally getting rid of the old by cremating it.

I can’t think of anything better to bring you and your girlfriends closure than over the burning flames of hatred for your Ex!

Now if I knew where my ex’s s**t was I would  build myself a mini bonfire, but I honestly couldn’t tell you where any of his stuff is, maybe in the house that I bought everything for and once it was furnished I got sent on my way – Keep it babe!

I don’t need a constant reminder of you anyway!

Note: Do not do this in your house our you will recreate the scene from friends – But then again they got dates with hot Fireman.

Let your hair down!

Get dolled up to the nines and hit the town with your girls!

Being single is not the end of the world, especially on Valentines because you are sure to bag yourself a cheeky kiss – After all anyone who isn’t loved up will be hitting the town!

You can be sure that this is the option I am going for!

When I was in a relationship, I used to hear about how Valentine’s is the best night to go out and be guaranteed the wear because who ever you’re dancing next to is a singleton – And if they’re not, well, someone better dump their ass because that is some shitty boyfriend material right there!

You see, the couples are too busy staying in being lazy or sitting at a table somewhere staring into each others eyes – Gross!

It is time to test out this notion and report back to you girlos for future reference, you can be sure to get all the ins and outs of my single cherry popping Valentine’s adventure. (Is it just me or does that sound like pure filth?)

Pamper day!

No matter what girl you are, we all love to be pampered so, why not go on the ultimate pampering day?

I’m talking dressing gown and full body massage pampering day, sure you only live once

Seeing as we don’t have someone to pamper us anymore it’s time we pamper ourselves!

Let’s be real though, I would have died before I got pampered by “He-who-shall-not-be-named”!

Girls, there are so many pamper deals on Groupon and Pigsback and I would know because I have been stalking the s**t out of them – I will be broke before I know it!

You’re full on spoiled for choice, all with just a click of a button!

Picture yourself sipping bubbly, getting a french pedicure and having a full on bitch fest with the girls or better yet, your mam!

Trip away!

If you are already heading away for V-day then you had the right idea and can you take me with you? Thanks.

If the struggle is real this February 14th and you just couldn’t possibly be dealing with your loved up friends why not be spontaneous AF and treat yourself to a Valentine’s trip away.

I mean if you have holidays to take at work and money in your bank account then what is really holding you here, because it ain’t Bae!

No one is going to treat you as well as you treat yourself so, why not head off on a city break to Amsterdam or Budapest with your huns?

Last minute flights are super cheap and you are bound to find a last minute Valentines package deal – Tempting right?

How To Survive Valentine’s Single

It is that time of year again, that dreaded “I’m going to be #foreveralone” time of year, that is unless you have a Bae then it’s that “I love you so much it hurts” time of year. Oh, go get a room Mary! Now if I was still with “He-who-shall-not-be-named” I wouldn’t give a sh*t about Mary! See how that escalated fast? People in relationships forget about us singletons, but why would they remember us? They’re going to be having wild sex in between meals for the day. Well, that’s what I’d be doing! I didn’t get the 14th off work to look at him.

Valentine’s can seem daunting for us single folk especially when couples seem to run the show, booking out your favourite restaurant and you have to order a meal deal for one instead. Since becoming single, all my independent woman training has led up to this point. I’m not going to lie and tell you I have been living for it because I have in me arse! This being my first Valentine’s single in five years, I’m freaking out so I’m writing this blog for me just as much as I’m writing it for you and surprisingly I’m feeling a lot better about V-day now. (Damn I’m good).

I wouldn’t want to spend it with him anyway #Image

So girls relax, Tinderella is here to help you survive Valentine’s Day and live to see the 15th of February without tears because I’m a mad bitch and I know the suss. You’ll be grand!

Grab Your Craziest Single Friend And Hit The Town!

We all have that one crazy single friend who doesn’t know the meaning of the word “No”.

Yes her, that’s the pal you should ring up and hit the town with this V-day.

Who better to show you the best spots Dublin has to offer than the session moth herself?

I mean what even is Valentines’s anyway? Galentine’s is what it’s all about, if you ask me us singletons should feel bad for those in a relationship, that’s the real trauma!

So, get dolled up to the nines, wear the highest shoes you can walk in, bat those eyelashes and flick that hair.

Make “slut drop” your middle name(s), get your weekly dose of dancing and stay out till the cows come home because – time is no issue when your single.

Avoid Braggers

Avoid braggers at all cost, all they want to do is rain on your single parade.

Let’s face it, they are only dying to brag about how fab their boyfriend is and how he whizzed her away in a horse and carriage to give her a 20-inch, love-heart shaped box of chocolates.

“Oh, great Mary” – Really, we DGAF but we’ll let her have her moment.

We both know Mary and her bae hated each other last week, so who is the real winner here?

You my dear, because you ain’t got time for having a yo-yo relationship.

Do not, I repeat, do not go out with a couple.

It might seem like a good idea at the time when your girlfriend invites you out with her and her valentine to be nice because she knows you’re #foreveralone, but don’t bother thinking twice about it.

You may have been bessie mates since you were four but this will end in tears (for you) when they’re locking lips on the taxi ride home, and you’re just looking out the window asking “what is my life?”

Before you know it, she’ll turn into a Mary and life’s to short for more than one of them!

There are other options other than being a third wheel, find that crazy single friend.

Be Your Independent Woman Self

Why not have a night in to yourself?

Being alone with pizza is better than being alone. Just think of the damage you could do! You can eat the whole thing, girl!

“Sharing is caring” is not a phrase that will be coming out of your mouth.

You can watch all the cheesiest chick flicks you like and you don’t have to worry about bae throwing a strop.

You don’t have to shave ANYWHERE and you can lounge around in nothing but your dressing gown eating out of a tub of ice cream.

This all sounds like music to our ears, so while all those coupled up girls are running around like headless chickens looking for a last minute present, you can be stress free, focusing on yourself – bliss.

You. Are. Not. Alone.

Tinder – it does exactly what it says on the tin, all you have to do is pop on to Tinder to see there are millions of single people out there just waiting for your hand in marriage, or just a drink – either way they are all single.

Now, we’re not telling you to spend your Valentines curled up on the couch swiping left and right, but just downloading the app makes you realise it’s not the end of the world.

There are plenty of fish in the sea and when you get a match it gives you a nice confidence boost – yes, someone likes your face, congratulations!

The odds of you being the only single person left in the world and destined to be a spinster for all of eternity are slim – so calm down, you’re not alone.

No need to have “All by myself” on repeat and wrecking your next door neighbors love session even though we know they deserve it – Who do they think they are making love on Valentine’s? Pure cheek!

Treat Yo Self!

Girl, the only reason you should be crying this Valentine’s is with happiness.If you’re going to cry it should be “happy” tears that fall from your eyes, because this year you don’t have to spend loads of money on the perfect present for Bae just to find out he doesn’t even know you at all and kept it safe with chocolates from Lidl.

Yes, this did happen to me. Wasn’t I only dropping hints all over the shop for orange roses and didn’t he leave it last minute as he always did and ran to Lidl to get me a card and chocolates. Like, the gas part was they sold orange roses there, but did he care, NO! Why I didn’t dump him I’ll never know.

Now I am rolling around in the extra cash I’m not spending on his greedy ass!

So, just think, now you have all this extra cash that you can spend on whatever you like. New shoes perhaps? A Pandora ring to yourself from yourself, why not? A Domino’s meal deal for four, go wild.

Make A Plan Of Action!

So whether you’re sitting around with your mates drinking your sorrows, it is important to make a plan of action.

You don’t want V-day to sneak up on you and kick you in the ass.

Don’t be that girl left freaking out ringing everyone you know in hopes they will spend the day with you so you’re not alone, head-deep in a tub of Ben & Jerry’s.

Be organised and make a plan in advance so you can enjoy V-day for what it is and make the most of it, single and all.

Own It!

The most attractive thing you can do is own your singleness.

Tell yourself – I am single because I know my worth and will not settle for anything less.

By owning your singleness you will attract the right people by giving off your happy-go-lucky vibes.

It’s easy to think that Valentine’s is awful because you have constant cheesy reminders all around you of what you don’t have – but really it’s just another Hallmark holiday.

You’re free to do what you want, when you want, with whom you want and flirt the flipping day lights out of them.

Who knows, by getting out and owning your status you might be leaving it behind and bagging yourself the biggest ride of your life, that has his own car, house and is rich. (A girl can dream). The main thing is though YOU WILL BE GRAND!

Until next week

Tinderella

X

Terms of Enjoyment

Absolute apologies for the late blog. I’m up to me tits with men y’know yourself the single life ‘n’ all. So back to business, lately I’ve been getting all mixed up. I know. Me? Mixed up? Sure I have my life together, right? Wrong! My life is flipping scattered on the three corners of the Bermuda triangle and I’m lost in the middle, so if at any stage you’re reading my blog and wishing, God, I wish my life was like hers (which I highly doubt anyone is with how my blogs have been going), then don’t because I’m just the same as you, but I’m writing about it because the struggle is real and us girls got to help each other out, in other words, so you can learn from my newly single, stupid  and slightly crazy mistakes. #independantwoman on a mission.

So, lately I have been getting mixed up between liking someone and liking someone’s company. What’s the difference you might ask? Turns out there is a big difference and it’s something that you need to know because it is easy to settle for comfort. Oh don’t I know it’s easy to settle for comfort, it’s not called comfort for the craic. Everyone wants that person to go home to cuddle and vent to at the end of a long day. We weren’t built to be lone wolves, we crave attention, we need affection, we need skin on skin contact it’s a part of our nature. Nowadays people get anxiety from not having constant contact with someone throughout the day so, when is enough enough?

To tell you the truth, since “He-who-shall-not-be-named” I have not yet fell head over heels for someone (but foreign Bae was a good contender) and it’s not like I’m sitting on my couch and hoping someone will fall from the sky, I’m getting out there and going on dates and meeting all different types of men that I didn’t even know existed. It’s fun but it’s also tiring and takes up time. There’s nothing worse than when you have been texting someone a while and then when you meet up you feel nothing. All my dates resolve in me not seeing them again. What’s the point? I feel nothing, right? Wrong. Yes, sometimes you go on dates and the spark is just there from hello, that’s what it was like with me and my ex. Then, on the other hand, sparks grow over time.

#SCENECHANGE I was crying in the arms of my Irish mammy, who was not aware I was so upset about the modern dating scene because I was dolled up to the nines and off out on a date every second day. (This was when I just joined Tinder) I know was I a slut or what? I should have set up my own non-sexual escort service where men just buy me food. I was getting lost in the excitement of dating as it was not something I had ever done before. In the excitement I ended up getting my emotions lost too. I was on so many dates I didn’t have time to stop and think of how I felt.  When it all caught up with me and the dates died down I also got down. I was on a dating rampage and when the rampage ended I didn’t know what to do with myself other than think about how none of them worked out. “MAM!”

Mam said life isn’t a fairy tale, you’re not going to know a person in one date, If you feel nothing but you think they’re nice and good looking give them a second chance. Mam had a point; No one made the cut for round two.

Skip on to a lot of dates later with “The Teacher”. I was seeing him a good few weeks, he wasn’t Brad Pitt or anything but there was something about him. He was tall, he dressed well, he had a good job, his own car, lived out of home, attentive and an absolute gentleman. So, what was wrong with him you might ask? I couldn’t tell you other than no matter how much I tried, something was missing. He was much better than “He-who-shall-not-be-named” but yet there I was trying to feel something I just couldn’t feel. So much so, I ended up thinking I did like him.

We texted every day, our snap streak was on 52 days and counting. Like that is dedication. We we’re seeing each other at least once a week and going on dates and it was fun. I had been to his house, he had been to mine, it was all going grand, but grand was all it was.

When we were apart I started missing him, I grew excited when it was time for us to meet up, I couldn’t wait to see him. Then when I did see him all that excitement went out the window. What the hell was that all about? Then it all clicked, I started listening to myself as I spoke about him. All I ever said was “I enjoy him”, I enjoy him? Would ya go f**k off with your enjoy, but I meant it in the nicest possibly way because it was true I did enjoy him, very much. I suppose deep down I felt this wasn’t going to go anywhere but, I didn’t realise I was doing anything wrong at the time because it was the first person that got way past round two of dating me and I didn’t know if this was just dating. It was like I was playing a game for the first time and winging it because I didn’t know the rules.

When we met up i liked his smell, his hugs and when he held my hand. I never cared for getting to know him on another level other than spending time with him and having fun. Sometimes I found myself holding his hand, closing my and imagining he was “he-who-shall-not-be-named” and suddenly everything felt like it was back to normal until he opened his mouth and ruined it. This is all crazy I know but i couldn’t help it. I guess it was those moments of make believe that I was subconsciously excited for and I craved the comfort of that normality again even though it was complete insanity.

I found myself wanting to meet up with him again to get that feeling of “normal” back. It was not fair on me and it was most definitely not fair on him. It was like I was a drug addict craving my next fix but the high never lasted and I was always left confused. I could never pinpoint the difference between the high and the low. I never opened up with him so I hoped he never opened up with me. There I was again subconsciously building walls and keeping my guard up. I didn’t like him, I enjoyed him. I enjoyed him but enjoying someone isn’t enough to stay with someone for their company.

Is it OK to just “enjoy” someone?

When is enough, enough?

Was I still in love with my ex and bringing those emotions into dating?

How are you suppose to feel when dating?

I learned a lot from seeing “The Teacher” he was a great guy but he just wasn’t the guy for me. I guess I’m still in some ways mourning “He-who-shall-not-be-named” and although I’m getting on with my life and I’m happy, I’m still carrying around the baggage of rejection. It does get easier but I’ve learnt you have to take time to sit and listen to your head as well as your heart as your heart will sometimes get you into trouble. It took me a while to figure out I was finding comfort in him but now I’m aware of it, I know the difference between liking someone and liking someone’s company.

Am I just not ready to find that spark?

Do I still need more time to heal?

Is getting into a relationship straight after a relationship a bad idea?

We need to learn to enjoy our own company when we get out of a relationship, we need to programme ourselves to know that we are all we need and that nothing is missing because we are enough.  We aren’t going to break our hearts, we’re not going to let us down, we have our own backs and we are flipping good company! We are stronger than we realise, we can take more than we give ourselves credit for, we got dragged through the dirt and we are here clean and standing on the other side. Never settle for comfort. Find comfort in yourself.

Until next week

Tinderella

x

 

Ex-pect the un-Ex-pected

So I don’t care what girl you are, whether you’ve been dumped or done the dumping there’s always going to be the “What if I bump into my ex?” thought running through your head when you’re revisiting places you used to go with x-Bae or on a night out. You’re naturally going to be a bit on guard for that awkward moment of seeing x-Bae again and, if you do see him again, where and when and will you be looking flawless? If you’re not you might as well just end it there because your life is officially over. (It’s not, you’ll live to see another day) let’s be real you’re more than likely going to be rotten because the odds of you looking flawless over wearing a hun bun, leggings and not a scratch of make-up are slim.

#scenechange I was in my room working out or doing something productive (eating a sharing bags of skips) and I get a text from my friend.

“Do you want to come see a play Friday? I’ve a free ticket.”

I mean he had me at free, so I said yes. Friday comes and I throw him a text to find out what the story is…

Where? When? What? How?

He replied “where “He-who-shall-not-be-named” used to study and where your life progressed into a living hell dragged out over two years” (those weren’t his exact words but that’s how I read it).

“Got an A+ in Living Hell Creation 101”

No, no, no, No NO! Straight away I was freaking out, naturally. I lost my appetite, my heart felt empty and I was shaking. I was clearly not ready to bump into him. I mean I never got closure and although I say I’m over him, can I look him in the eye and feel I am? Probably not, will I tell you what I’d more than likely end up doing…crying. A nice ‘aul cry. Not on purpose as this would be the last thing I’d want to do. All feelings aside and, in an ideal world, I’d like to be strong and keep my tears for the notebook.

I texted my friend back “Are you for real?” and he replied “Look, the odds of him being in that theatre, on that night, to see that play, in a theatre festival (plays were on all over Dublin) are very slim.” Once I read this sentence of sense over a few times, he was 100% right. The odds were ridiculously slim to the point where I calmed the f**k and started to feel hungry again. Damn. Having said that, I was taking no prisoners. Yes, the odds were low but if that 1% and my luck had a baby, it would be called Tinderella. I was going to be looking flawless.

Smooth as a baby’s ass (just in cases he sensed I wasn’t, 5 years, like, I’m sure he knows)

Tan (because pale does not suit me)

Curly Sue (something he loved but now can’t have)

Cleavage on fleek (push up bras are life)

I was looking so hot, I would even date me. I was ready! If by all the odds “He-who-shall-not-be-named” was going to be in my vicinity he was going to be like…

Off I went being an anxious wreck, the thoughts of stepping back into the world of ego-driven personas, in fear of having to actually have a conversation with one of them. NO thank you. As I parked my car, my surroundings were oh-too familiar and suddenly that empty feeling came back. I texted my friend to see if he was already in there because there was no way I was walking through those double doors without having an army member. He was already there and gave me the all clear to enter the building.

As I entered the building holding my breath, I scanned the room and there was no sign of x-Bae. As I sighed with relief my friend comes up to me and I can relax. He introduces me to his friends, we get talking and I’m laughing away without a care in the world. Then all of a sudden in my peripheral vision I pick up on familiar body language. Turns out me and my friend would never be fit for the army because we failed to spot the only thing we had to keep an eye on. Straight away I knew it was him. In all the theatres in all the towns he had to walk into mine. He was leaning against the wall by his side, head into his phone and biting the nail of his thumb. He always did that when he was nervous. But why is he nervous? He must have seen me. His body language being closed off doesn’t suggest any different and he must have heard me laugh. He would’ve known it was me. I thought all this in less than a second before I grabbed my friend and asked him was I crazy or am I seeing “He-who-shall-not-be-named?”

“Being illogical, was I?!!”

In the time it took him to look over and back at me I was already gone.

I ran to the toilet to get myself together because I lied, I was not ready. I worked myself into a state, my breath became short and I was starting to have a panic attack. I needed to calm down, quick. I can’t let him see me like this. I began to talk to myself in the mirror while I tapped my cheeks to snap me out of it.

“You can do this”

“You’re OK, relax”

“You deserve better”

“He’s a dope”

I was like something that dropped out of a romcom movie but I wasn’t being paid. I had no choice but to go back in and face the music. As much as I wanted to set camp in the toilet it was time for me to be a big girl and face my demons. My friend was waiting for me outside the door he assured me I was right and to keep looking forward and walk straight into the show.

As I walked into the theatre I laughed because the show couldn’t be set up more perfect for the situation. The stage was in the middle of the room with seats on the right and left facing each other. The right side was already full which meant he would have to sit opposite me. Perfect. We will be sitting across from each other for an hour and fifteen minutes. As I watched the door like a horror movie I was shaking. Just come in already and put me out of my misery.

Then the doors closed…what?! Are you actually kidding me?! He didn’t come in. He actually didn’t come in. Wow. What a coward. What an absolute coward of a man. He thinks he made a swift escape without being seen. I mean I know I’m blind but come on. He actually ditched the play to avoid me. We were in the same room and he blanked me out straight. That hurts.  After five years of me giving him everything and going through all the nerves to get here, he couldn’t even give me a “hello”. I guess some things never change.

When I look back on that night now I laugh (mainly because he’s a joke) but the whole thing was so silly. I mean im proud that I walked straight into his territory looking hot, I feel bad ass about that. If I seen him now though I would not fall apart like I did that night. But would he still cower away? I have no doubt that he would do the same thing. The funniest thing of the whole night though is he still thinks he got away with murder. Like he actually thinks he was incognito…SAKE! So if anyone bumps into him can you tell him “she saw you, you spa!”

Until next week

Tinderella

X

Take Me To Church

So since I’ve been single I’ve moved back home to get my life back together again, when I got dumped I was made homeless so I’d no real choice in the matter (but don’t tell the parents that). Living back home has had its dramas, but it’s moments like these that get turned into memories that make it not seem so shit to be an adult living under a roof of rules.

In the sitting room with my Mam aka “The Slapper” (See blog 6). She’s on her phone (addicted so she is) and out of nowhere she screams. Oh shit call 911 we’re losing her! “I just won two tickets to a gig in the Academy”. Da, hang up she’s just being a thick. “What gig Ma”? She didn’t have a flipping clue as she didn’t even remember entering into any competition, nonetheless I saw it as a perfect excuse to get the mad yolk out of the house and get our Mammy and Daughter groove on. Also my friend had a gig on that night so it was killing two birds with one stone. She wasn’t really sold on the idea but I threw the words wine, pino and savo up in the air and she eventually came around.

Woo Partay…

Skip two days later and we were getting ready. Both of us were not very enthusiastic, in fact we were both trying to get the other one to say they didn’t want to go, but we were head to head with “I’m wrecked but I don’t mind what we do” approach. We were clearly playing a good game. (Like Mother like Daughter)  “Da, will ya give me and Ma a lift”?

And here we are sitting in the back of our personal taxi drinking wine and hoping it will sort all our problems. While in the car the taxi driver had the nerve to tell me my driving is reckless and I need to be using my mirrors. “I know Da, you’re ruining the buzz here, put on some Ke$ha”.  As we got out of the “taxi” didn’t I leave my phone on the back seat. All I can say is thank God it wasn’t a taxi. As I ran up the road after him waving my hands he stopped, When I opened the car door I was like “Aw thank God you seen me” and he replied “That’s because I used my mirrors”.  LEGEND!

I ran back to the Slapper laughing my head off like an already drunk lunatic. As we strolled into the Grand Social to support my friend’s gig, there were just seconds between holding a bottle of wine and walking in. Even though we were “wrecked” by God were we going to make the most of it.

As we walked into the gig, the place was dead and my friend was nowhere to be seen. The only thing that was going to get this place lit was Mother dearest and I chugging down that bottle of vino. Sitting in an empty room with a full glass triggered some brain cells as something didn’t add up. I muttered to myself Grand Social, Grand. Social, GRAND SOCIAL!? I suddenly started laughing my head off, Mam thought I was drunk already and I was but just on stupidness. “Were in the bloody wrong place”. I brought us to the Workman’s simple mistake right?

Throwback To Tesco Value Poison

We started knocking back our glasses of poison (Yes poison, tasted like it and went straight to the bloodstream). We couldn’t possibly knock the bottle back so we asked could we get a refund for it and while we were at it asked for a refund for our gig entry. Success! (If you don’t ask you don’t get). Off we went, legging it over the Liffey, The Slapper looking at me like she gave birth to a full on thick. You’re out with Tinderella now, hold on to your terminals.

Soon as we stepped inside my friend was getting up to perform. Get in there for timing. Three mini bottles of wine later I was officially merry, had a little dignity. The gig was fab (If anyone is into electronic music check out Doublescreen) Academy Time!

We walked in buzzing from the last gig, as we walked to the bar this blonde Tank was walking my way. He was so fab I looked down, but didn’t my Mam have a different idea and pushed me right into his chest while saying “There’s a Boyfriend for ya” and walked away. I could have died! I was all blushed and not even stringing sentences together so I just laughed. He on the other had was stringing all the sentences together and turns out my blonde tank was German. Heya!

We ended up chatting like we were Romeo and Juliet, the excitement was flowing back and forth not to mention he was nice to look at. He then offered to buy me a drink. Turns out Ma was making friends with all the ‘aul ones at the bar. Then three shots appeared and disappeared in the blink an eye. #Gone. German tank then went back over to tell his mates where he was. While he was gone I was asking my Mam “is it just me or is your man a bit of alright?” She replied “He’s a babe, you have to kiss him, your kids would be so cute!” Well, if your own Ma says to go for it and thinks you should settle down and start a family. Then someone call the vicar!

When he came back he asked me did I want to go the Church (Mrs Germanella) with him and his friends. Unfortunately we weren’t talking about the same church and that was the end of our love story until Ma says “Ya we’ll go” OK cupid calm down.

Once in the church I knew we were going to wear face at some stage, the chemistry was flowing and then he grabbed my hand and with that single touch we both pulled away and stared each other in the eyes simultaneously and said “Your hands”. This sounds so bizarre but my hands are dry and I’ve never met anyone with the same feeling hands until I was starring German babe right in the face and vice versa. We were infatuated then like this was all meant to be.  Long story short, we kissed, we kissed the face of each other and it was amazing.

German babe had me at my face whacking into his hard pecks and now he had me. Hook, line and bloody sinker. Only problem, He was German which meant he lived in Germany and he was going home the next day. NOOOO!  In drunken, love fool spirits he was enthusiastic that I would come and stay with him and he would show me the sights of Germany. Suddenly Germany got a whole lot more exciting. I was up for it so was he, we exchanged numbers, kissed some more and it was time for us to part ways to which he was so sad saying “We will definitely meet up and text me when you get home or I’ll be worrying” he even went as far to pinky promise that we’ll stay in touch (A legit bond of trust), The Slapper even got a hug goodbye.

When I got home I texted him…

“Hey, was really nice meeting you tonight. I have never met anyone with hands like mine, I’m delighted I’m not the only one. Enjoy your last night. X”

His reply…

“I got your Grandma on my dick”

I mean I know he’s German but, really?

What happened to our pinky promise?

Did I actually think this would work out?

Am I a bad judge of character?

Will I ever learn?

I replied “What?” and the message was never received, Then on a drunken night out a week later I added him on Snapchat…still pending to this day.

Either the plane crashed and he got stranded on an island, abducted by aliens (would explain the no signal) or when the drink wore off he remembered he had a girlfriend back home.

I like to tell myself it was the first one and he’s counting the days til we’re back together.

Until Next Week

Tinderella

X

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Happy new year to all my lovely Tinderella crew. I hope you all had a good one. So after my break I am all refreshed and back in business. I have to say I have missed the weekly rush of a Monday blog. So this being my first Christmas single in five years it’s safe to say I wouldn’t be getting any present from bae. I had mixed emotions from start to finish. Not to mention the constant reminders of what I was missing all around me. Like, give me a break Christmas, don’t ease me in or anything.

Christmas is a time to be with family and friends and even though I did just that, I couldn’t help but think of my other family and friends that I lost in the divorce to “He-that-shall-not-be-named”. It was normal for me to think of them and feel their absence. After all, they were the left side of me for a long time. They were my second family, sure I spent more time with them than I did my own because we lived beside them. Sometimes when I think about them I wonder if they’re thinking about me too. I can’t get my head around how fast that band aid was whipped off and left me with nothing but a scar, a scar with a pulse of memories I can’t erase.

Do they have this scar too?

Do I pop into their head?

I would have to wouldn’t I?

Am I the only one that was left scarred?

It is an upsetting thought that your old life is no more and your old family has moved on without you. The lyrics “now you’re just somebody that I used to know” now has a meaning because they are indeed just somebody that I used to know.  Strangers. But that is life isn’t it, you have to keep moving forward or else you will be stuck in the past and it’s called the past for a reason. I guess one day I will be non-existent to them. My name will just be a name. It won’t pass their lips, won’t cross their mind, soon memories will replace memories . I know I have already started slowly forgetting the memories I used to replay in my head. They get less and less detailed each time to the point I would really have to think hard about it. Now that’s a scary thought to be able to forget about a major part of your life over time. Even memories don’t last forever. I mean I don’t even remember his phone number, which is a good thing because a girl could lose a lot of dignity with a phone number and a bottle or two of wine. (Congratulations, you just won a thousand euro) #prankcallcentral

So now being seven months single, a clear head and a hand full of wine, I can honestly say I have never been more excited about 2017 in my whole life. But sure I wouldn’t have because that shit only comes around once in a lifetime. When people say new year,new me I can’t say that because I was already the “new me” when I got my heart broken. This time seven months ago was the beginning of the “new me” and what a journey it has been.

Bring on Valentine’s!

2016 has certainly been a year of loss. First of all we lost more celebrities this year that it outweighed statistics and made us fear for everyone’s existence, it also gave us a lot of gas memes! But for me I lost my second family, friends, my love and my Grandad. I’ve lost weight, I’ve lost the head, I’ve lost my heart, I’ve lost an ocean of tears and I’ve lost more of my belongings than I can account for. Nonetheless it was known as the unlucky year, which I wouldn’t disagree with but walking away from 2016 I can’t help but say wow.

In a year full of loss, it was the best year that could have happened to me as a person. Although I lost things, I gained a hell of a lot more (including the weight I lost but sure it’s Christmas, be grand). I’ve gained a whole different outlook on life, I’ve gained a new confidence in myself, I’ve gained contentment with my own company (I’m actually sound) I now know what I’m looking for in a man and I won’t settle for anything less, I know what type of people I want in my life. If this year has taught me anything it has really opened my eyes to people. I have dreams again but most of all I’ve gained my spark back and for me that was the game changer because I feared I would never see it again. If I can crawl my way through a pitch black tunnel caving in on top of me and come out the other end into the light stronger than ever, so can you.

Thanks for making me a fighter

Yes, I’ll always have memories of “He-that-shall-not-be-named” and yes, they will always be with me but now I’m a kite set free and I am soaring over views I have never even imagined. For anyone who is not quite there yet, I was once not there too. It’s easier said than done but now that I am here I can promise you, you will be too. You are on your way and trust me it is the best feeling in the world. So keep that chin up, you’re stronger than you know. This is your year baby so go out and get ‘em, but this time go get ‘em for you.

Until next week

Tinderella

x

P.s “Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that!”

– Rocky Balboa

Whatever you’re into, you will most definitely come across it on Tinder.

So there you are, actively on Tinder and getting matches left, right and centre which is a nice change from the tumbleweed you were getting the last two weeks. It’s almost too good to be true, which makes you think…

Did all the half-decent lads in Dublin just become single at once?

Have I been on Tinder long enough that the site gave me a break?

Whatever it was, I was living it up, because who knew when that tumbleweed would come back around and leave me wondering the opposite…

Are there plenty of fish in the sea?

Fish I could mate with of course, because by Jesus there are all sorts of fishes on Tinder and I mean ALL sorts. Whatever you’re into you will most definitely come across it on Tinder. Trust me. Just keep fishing, you’re bound to eventually catch one that you can picture yourself settling down in a coral reef somewhere and having a school of children, but unfortunately what I’m looking for doesn’t seem to be on the menu and if I’m not in the mood to eat what’s being served you best believe I will just pick at it when all I really want is to lob my face right in there. I guess beggars can’t be choosers but unfortunately I’m a fussy eater. (Sorry I’m actually starving writing this).

So while I’m swiping through the European Union of “Fishes” the first thing I look for is eyes. Those eyes can’t be “I’m going to murder you in your sleep” eyes because I’m not into that and if you are “Gowan ya fifty shades of grey mad bitches” If that boy is wearing sunglasses, I don’t care how much his abs could grate my cheese, If I can’t see his eyes it’s going to be a left swipe. There is no way I’m risking a date with potential “killer eyes” and not the good kind.

Second thing: they can’t have the name “He-who-shall-not-be-named”. You would be surprised, there are loads of the feckers out there with the same name. Just so happens, it’s a very common name. Who would have thought? I didn’t until I had to see it every second swipe. Like give me a break life. Tryna move on here. This common name also happens to be the name of lots of sexy fishes that I have to blacklist because that can’t be healthy, can it? At least you won’t have the fear of calling your new bae by old baes name. In all seriousness though, look at Ben Affleck. He went from Jenny from the block to Jenny from the big screen. That must have been weird right? I don’t know if I could handle it. I mean maybe if they spelled it differently. No, sorry I couldn’t, Old bae would forever be popping in and out of my mind. Time to move on because TBH every time I see his name on Tinder I have a mini stroke so I couldn’t be dealing, but yeah I’m over him. SWEAR.

Third thing: if anyone remotely looks like “He-who-shall-not-be-named”…

“Who? Me?”

…they are heading straight for the toilet with the rest of them. I’m not walking around with no look alike. Which probably explains why I have been on a foreign rampage lately. I mean that is just as bad as having the same name. Isn’t it? So if you’re in the same boat as me, probably not the best to trade in a micra for a micra, Why not go for a Lamborghini instead?

Forth thing: sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. Is that all you bloody boys think about? I mean don’t get me wrong I’m not against it but let’s just say I prefer food. Note: Food is the way into my knickers…and all of the above, good luck! If your opening line is anything to do with you getting the ride, well then you can jump back in the ocean with your tadpoles and call me when you’re a gentleman. I mean, what the f**k?! I’m not a brothel. I’m not on Tinder for your needs. At least bring me on three dates first so I can still remain classy, enough. Jokes.

Do men actually think girls are just going to sleep with them if they ask?

Do women sleep with men when they ask?

Am I just not with the times?

Are there any good men left that don’t have this mentality?

Why can’t Tinder have a filter of sex, date, marriage?

Fifth thing: if they smoke, so long. I have been kissing an ashtray the last five years and getting second hand smokers breath, hair and clothes as well as being left sitting alone in places while they get their next fix. No thanks, I’m done with that life.

You had me at loss of breath

Sixth thing: that boy needs to have a good-ass job. I’m not messing around with no actors or musicians, you know the kind that excite you but they’re never going to be good for you. You’re more than likely not going to progress with the quirky, artsy, laid back kind, which is a God-awful shame because I love a talented man. Unfortunately they will just need a lend of money a lot and will never be able to treat you, but you better believe they will be in the pub with their quirky, artsy, laid back friends. I’m looking for someone driven. I need an independent man to match my independent woman because I can’t be the money maker, housewife, chef, mother, lover, carer, taxi driver and provider again. I will not settle for that life again because now I know my worth.

Is having a good job an important factor for people on Tinder?

How do you know who’s looking for what you are?

So that’s it just six things that I couldn’t be dealing with and what I look for while swiping through Tinder. Only six things, that’s not much to ask is it? Only six things, well only six main things. I also keep an eye out for nice hair, clear skin, nice smile, good wardrobe, clever shoes, peachy bum, big hands, tall and good build.

After all, I have to enjoy what I’m swimming next to

Until Next week.

Tinderella

X

I have fallen victim to this too, on numerous occasions.

So there you are, minding your own business, dolled up to the nines and clearly looking well because the lads are around you like flies on shite. But when they open their mouths they might as well be flies because they soon turn into annoying pests. If only l had a swatter, l would swat them right in their smug faces.

Me:Turn around and keep walking

Negging; definition: a light insult wrapped in the package of a compliment, used by pick up artists to gain and maintain the attention of women who possess uncommon beauty (when they’re punching above their weight). These women are immune to standard compliments.

So basically, negging is when someone gives you a back-handed compliment. Now both men and women are proven to do this. It’s a form of flirting and playing hard to get. If you’re talking to a boy and he gives you a back-handed compliment like, you have an average size pair of tits. (Been there before). Then congratulations, you are a victim of negging.

At this stage, said compliment starts to make you question yourself, to the point where you don’t think you can get with anyone else, as no one could possibly want you. But yet your man that gave you the compliment is still standing there, smiling. So he’s as good as you’re going to get, you might as well settle down now and get married.

Unhappy settling…don’t!

Now you are not alone, I have fallen victim to this too, on numerous occasions. Sure didn’t my foreign Hun only neg his way into my pants and I, the dope, fell for it. At least we didn’t tie the knot #luckyescape

Now my response to negging is awhhh will you go F**K OFF?!  Ain’t nobody got time for that and this girl certainly learns from her mistakes…eventually. (After date number 22).

So my first taste of negging #scenechange. A cold Saturday night standing in the smoking area, wearing little to nothing because jackets are not fashionable and make me look like I’m wearing a sleeping bag. (Note to self, BUY NICE JACKET with monies saved, now I’m not spending it on “he-who-shall-not-be-named”.)

Who’s going to buy your clothes this Christmas babe?

Now l was standing there for the craic because l don’t even smoke, but l love to freeze my tits off and smell like an ashtray! Nah, I was there for the social aspects the smoking area brings. I was only looking fab and feeling great with my post break-up bod. Sure no one would have known I was an emotional train wreck two hours previous.

But clearly one German lad had different intentions and felt it was his job to knock me down a peg or four. He walked over to me like a smooth criminal, and this boy was a full on criminal, stealing feelings of girls ALL OVER DUBLIN (l assume) and getting away with it too because he’s a looker. Someone call the beauty police, he is the one who needs to be taken down a peg or four.

Enter smokey German guy. His opening line, “hey you look cold”. Ok Mr. Obvious what else can you see with your big brown eyes? Seeing as we were playing spot the obvious, clearly a flirting game of the dating world, looking at the cigarette in his hand, l replied “hey are you a smoker?” He was a smoker and he tried to turn me over to the dark side. No, Darth Vader, I’m happy over here with the Jedi, so you can keep your lightsaber to yourself.

He then said “your eyebrows are nice, are they real?” “Yes they’re real” I don’t remember drawing on Pikachu brows before l came out. As we continued our conversation he told me he worked as an engineer.

Me at this stage still not realising I was being negged, was still up for the flirty bants and asked lots of questions about his job. Then it got to me and he asked, what l do. I replied l am an actress. “Really you don’t look like an actress, what have you been in?” Hold up, I don’t look like an actress? Tell me what an actress is supposed to look like. Last time I checked there was no brief because we all look different. The same way engineers, doctors, teachers, PEOPLE look different!

This was a clear example, trying to make me look at my appearance to make himself feel more superior. Once I cleared up my profession to him, he then said “that’s cool, is that your only job?” No l also teach children from Monday to Friday and I’m a children’s entertainer on the weekends. Oh and I also recently started writing blogs about d**ks like you, would you also like to belittle them too while I’m here?

This was primitive behaviour, the alpha male acting like a d**k to make the girl yearn for his approval. Which to be honest, I will put my hands up and say I was doing at that time. Conversation was ended when my friend came over to me to say we were going to a different club and he went, “wow”, while taking a drag of a cigarette, “you are pretty for Irish girls”. Not thinking anything of it at the time. We left thinking we were masso 2k9, even though basically he was saying Irish girls weren’t pretty.

Who did he think he was?

What did he think Irish girls looked like, leprechaun’s?

Am I the only one who thinks my Ma should be slapping this one too?

Up the f**k back to Germany with your DaVinci code comments. Moral of the story, we never got married as my friend stole me out of the club and in good time too because, let’s be real, I probably would have given smokey German guy my tongue. Which he so didn’t deserve! Looking back on it now…

Why would someone use manipulation to get with you?

Do girls like this?

What is the scoring ratio?

Does the boy do this intentionally or is it second nature?

Is there a book out there called “D**k diaries”?

What I’ve learned is negging is the most well disguised insult out there, they might not register as negative remarks until the alcohol has left your system. Don’t let anyone manipulate you into liking them by half way putting you down. If you ever think, wait a minute, what did they just say. You too could be a victim of negging. Happy flirting girls.

Until next week

Tinderella x