The reality of my one night stand was nothing like the fantasy in my head.

OK, so your probably all expecting to see how I got on in my trip, but before I get into those juicy details I’m going to take you back a bit. Let me just go ahead and fill you all in on the goss #scenechange. In other words, one drunken unplanned evening in Copper’s but at this stage I was on the straight water. I know, the fact I was in Copper’s without alcohol in my hand makes me a strange breed of woman. (We do exist if you look hard enough) There I was, dancing away with my bestie, getting approached by the biggest creeps Ireland had to offer.

First of all.

What on earth goes through a guy’s head in a club?

Does he think grinding his sweaty body, on mine from behind, is what I want?

Does he actually think it’s acceptable to come over and slobber drunken words at me?

No, Shakespeare, f**k off! Now, I was having none of it. I was only there to dance (unless approached by an absolute babe which, in that case, I would drop the diva act!). Having said that, I don’t care how drunk you are, if a sweaty drunken man comes over in an attempt to get some you would be like, “ah here”, and move on. Why is it, always the creepy ones, that have no fear? Is that just me or am I creep magnet?

Rewind to me getting ready to go out…

Pictured: Me having a meltdown.

I was not feeling confident at all. I was feeling bloated and lumpy. I had nothing to wear and I just felt rotten, next to the other girls. Now I know I’m not alone on this one. I’m sure the majority of girls, go through the same body image break down. It’s normal. Looking back on photos now, someone should have slapped me across the face.

I looked stunning and the proof was in the pudding, when an absolute quirky babe from who cares, approached me. Jackpot! His opening line was “What time does this place close at?” Sorry we’re in Copper’s love you will have to speak up. I just couldn’t for the life of me make out what he was saying. At one point I thought he was talking about my boobs because I wasn’t wearing a bra, that’s how much I didn’t understand him. Then I was screaming “what?!” into his ear while laughing and cupping my boobs. (Clearly at this stage I had no idea he wasn’t Irish)

After a series of attempts for the poor guy to chat me up, with his failed one liner. I finally gave him an answer, while checking my watch, I wasn’t wearing, because I don’t even own a watch. Hopefully he didn’t notice. Surprisingly, none of my behavior scared him off, which I wasn’t complaining about. Once I realized (After easily ten minutes) he was not from Ireland I was sold. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t stop laughing, while talking to this guy, but by God if you could have a conversation through laughter we nailed it.

He seemed very similar to me. Silly, quirky, possibly sober. Not to mention he was a full on cutie, with a smile that melted me from the waist down. Yes, I kissed him. I even slapped his bum and twisted his nipples, which he returned the favor, because that’s how weirdly comfortable we became throughout the night. Writing it now I’m cringing.

When Copper’s ended we moved to the residents’ bar as we weren’t quite finished with each other just yet. Now don’t worry, I didn’t abandon my friend. I would never in a million years drop my girls for a boy on a night out. If you go out together, you go home together. It’s just girl code. Just so happens my foreign Hun had a foreign Hun friend and we were all happy out.

He then offered to buy me a drink which I replied “Water” at this point he was head over heels with awe, of the fact that this was me practically sober. After lots of kissing and the odd face lick thrown in with flirty banter. (If you could call whatever I was doing flirting) we seemed to be hitting it off. The other two were coming across like they were on a job interview, but they were taking one for the team because, we were morphing into one.

When two become one.

We then took the after party to McDonald’s because who can be expected to go to sleep on an empty stomach? Definitely not this girl! It was so early they started serving breakfast, which he paid for. This guy knew how to pull me in the right direction. As we stuffed our faces in McDonald’s, and in the shit lighting he was still doing it for me and that wasn’t just the burger talking.

My friend and I then legged it up to the bathroom like little school girls. Apparently she was feeling her Hun to and told me she was going off with him. On my return my Mac foreign sandwich asked me back to chill in his Hotel room. Stopppp. My heart was going ninety. Not only was I not prepared for any sort of sexual encounter, I also would have no idea what to do with a dick if it slapped me in the face.

Is that good for you?

It has been that long since someone made sweet love to me. At that moment I was like f**k, I can’t even remember the last time I got the feels. Like down there. I agreed to go. I was newly single and what better way to pop my bad girl cherry. Off we went on the never ending walk to his Hotel. “Like is this place in Dublin or what? My feet are going to give in”. Me and bae were having the best chats ever but by the time I got to his Hotel I should have been in the Guinness book of records, for cross country walk in six inch heels. At this stage I was jumping into his bed just to get off my feet.

Me: Not having a clue what is going on.

While sitting in his bed, he stripped down to his boxers, while brushing his teeth, with his electrical toothbrush, like He was the shit. Alright love don’t leave anything to the imagination. I was shitting it and feeling not ready for whatever this was. Not to mention I had the confidence of a frog, but I wasn’t going to let him see that. Mam said always fake it till you make it and wasn’t, I faking the shit out of it. Millions of thoughts went through my head……

What the f**k am I doing here?

What if I gave him the wrong impression by coming here?

Will he just be happy with cuddles?

Should I just do it?

Does this make me a slut now?

There I was, parking the car firmly in second base. Keeping it simple with kisses and cuddles. OK, things just got awkward. I suddenly wasn’t feeling the whole situation anymore . Now I’m not a prude, well maybe a little bit, but you have to remember, I was one hundred percent sober and the whole lying down thing with his tongue stuck down my throat was catching up to my chest infection and I started to have a cough attack that wasn’t f***ing off.

Me: Setting up camp

Not wanting to be a mood kill, I sneaked away to set up camp in the bathroom, where I could cough in peace and sleep in silence. Win/win. You would be surprised how comfortable sitting up against a bath would be. All I needed was a blanket, as being sober left me feeling the cold, but I dozed off anyway through the relief of not coughing.

All of a sudden I felt the door pushing up against my feet, they were jamming it shut and being the best form of contraception that I could find. It was my foreign Hun “Ah howiya, i said with a red face. Sooo?” awkward silence and i was left speechless.

(Cue cough attack part two) I ended up doing a hit and run, as I just couldn’t stop coughing. Between the walking around town without a jacket and sleeping against a cold bath, must have caught up to me. I then did the ultimate walk of shame past the reception.

The same reception people giving me cheeky smiles two hours previous. At this stage I even felt the shame, though the only thing I pulled was a bathtub. I was walking like Bambi, From stepping back into those stupid killer heels.

As I jumped into the taxi I kept laughing as the reality of my one night stand was nothing like the fantasy in my head. Like “What just happened?” After I reassured  myself “Don’t worry you can’t get pregnant from the next room.” I laughed it off and felt I was a full on mad bitch strolling home at nine in the clothes from the night before. 

I would be here all day, giving you every single detail. Let’s fast forward. My foreign Hun got in touch, (Yeah I know, Can’t believe it.) through the Facebook and wanted to meet up before he headed off. (On a jet plane don’t know when I’ll be back again) we went to Eddie Rockets. We still hit it off with no awkwardness involved, and not a patch of night out glam on me. Then he asked me to go the airport and we held hands and kissed the whole way. As I kissed him multiple times goodbye and got a cheeky selfie. He then asked for my number. Everything seemed natural and fun. This was then the beginning of my pen pal relationship with an Foreign Hun and a life lesson in the making for me.

Until Then.

Tinderella

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