“He better not kiss me with that burger in his mouth”

The polls are in. My foreign bae will have to wait until next week because now you are getting an earful of my birthday mental health setback adventure! Now doesn’t that just flow off the tongue?

Five fun-filled days away thanks to my fab Essex babe. You know who you are. The trip was just what the doctor ordered and my friend was just who I needed to spend it with. The whole trip was a conveyer belt of food, chats, dancing, alcohol and food.  What more could a girl want?

Now I know you are all waiting to see if I got the ride, well I’ll stop you all there because as I said before I’m a full on virgin Mary, not to mention I never have enough Dutch courage to go through with the act in the first place. But the main reason why I didn’t succeed in getting the D is because ever since I became single I have been going through this weird phase called “push every boy that comes up to me away in fear of getting hurt”. Ultimately I’m my own cock blocker.

I must have subconsciously turned it on. The problem is I was never given the instruction booklet to my human so I couldn’t turn it off. This frustration made me think…

What is the point of me walking around in a human I can’t control?

Why do I still have a wall up?

When will it come down?

Will it ruin my chances of finding someone?

So this is how my trip went while carrying around this unwanted baggage.

#NightOne. This being an unplanned night out due to the fact we just came from a show and made no effort in our appearance because we planned to have a nice aul’ catch up. Famous last words. Instead we found ourselves being lured into the cheesiest club Essex had to offer because, let’s be real, I love a bit of cheese me. There I was, busting through the double doors absolutely buzzing. Straight to the dance floor, no drink needed. If I had a euro for every time I did a slut drop I would be a millionaire.

Me: The slut drop queen

The boys were all eyes as if they knew I was a foreigner. Irish people must have a certain smell that gives them away. Like potatoes, and God knows I’m a fan of me potatoes. It didn’t take long for the boys to make their move and I say boys because there were a few, But of course I’m only going to talk about the ones that left an impression.

#BoyOne.

“Hey”

“Hey”

“Are you Irish?”

“Yeah are you English?”

“Yeah obviously”

“Well you could have been on Holiday too.”

Me: Having no conversation skills.

That was just a taste of how awful all my boy/girl interactions went. This guy was your stereotypical Essex babe. He knew he was the shit and he could get anyone. I was by myself and I could see him checking me out for a while before he came over. He was actually fab and I could picture myself attached to his face until he put his hand on my shoulder, leaned in and said “Don’t get the wrong impression, I’m not chatting you up. I’m just being friendly.” Alright love if you have to say you’re being friendly that means you’re not. While laughing at what he said thinking he could possibly be joking he said “I was just keeping you company until your friend came back”. I’m sorry but I didn’t understand what the point was in coming over to “keep me company” with no intentions. I felt he was just being a dick and I had no time for that. To which I replied “Well you can f**k off then because she’s back now”

#BoyTwo. I was just dancing away, minding my own business then I got rudely interrupted by this guy who thought he owned me and starts flinging me around the dance floor like we were in a scene from “Dirty Dancing”. Like, I’ll give it to him, he had moves so I was playing along until he started repeatedly running his fingers through my hair. Like NO!! Get your hands out of my hair. He then stopped mid dance to ask me a question. “Your hands are very rough, what do you do for a living?” He definitely knew what women like to hear. I replied “I build houses for refugees” and he actually believed me, but then it got worse. For some reason he kept trying to maneuver me so his knee was in between my legs like he was trying to turn me on or something.

I had no time for him after he turned around and gave me the lovely compliment “You have an average set of tits” just out of nowhere. Well I’m sorry I’m not a glamour model love, but I’m happy with my dress boobs. Was this guy for real? It seemed he was trying his best to put me down, unless he was just a full on dope. Like no thank you. Your Ma would be proud. Maybe these Essex girls fall for those back handed compliments but this Irish lass was having none of it. It just wasn’t going to happen, not with him, not now, not ever!

#NightTwo. This night on the other hand was one hundred percent planned and the makeup was going on and the tits were coming out. (As in a low neck top, jeez) We headed straight for club cheese because if it’s not broken don’t fix it. There I was, feeling confident and looking well, bursting through the double doors like I owned the place because it was my second time there.

Towards the end of the night the “Cha Cha Slide” came on and I was in my element. While knowing every word and move off by heart I was giving it my all as if my life itself depended on it. Which brings us to…

#BoyThree. There I was, getting eyed up by an absolute cutie. I made the choice there in my head, yes, he is the one. Then I vocally said to my friend see him in the grey “I want him” as if she had magic powers to make it happen. He ended up coming up to me and we started dancing which he mimicked. That didn’t bother me because I was confident in my dance moves and thought he was being cute. He then asked me to go outside. I replied “for a bit of coke or heroin?” Which thankfully got no reaction. Me never before been asked to go outside ran to my friend and asked her what happens outside? 

Would you be able for me?

As I set on the window ledge outside the club I was clearly looking nervous because boy number three said “You don’t do this much do you?” silence “Did you ask if I have any heroin?” and there I was thinking I got away with that. He then asked for my number for reasons I will never know. I either typed it in wrong or he had a change of heart because I never heard from him. Or maybe he just thought I wasn’t into him because as soon as I gave him back his phone I jumped up and ran back into the club screaming “I love this song”. Before leaving the club he came over and said he was going to a different place and asked if I wanted to go with him. I told him I was staying with my friend which he probably took as “not interested” so boy number three, if you’re reading this, now you know I wanted your sweet ass.

Call me

Fast forward to fast food at McDonald’s (surprise surprise). Now being the only McDonald’s in the town there was nothing fast about it. The queues were huge. Now when I say queues, I mean a mosh pit of drunk people trampling on each other just to get into the place. For some reason they refuse to let you sit down hence why there is people all over the street. Once in there I came across…

#BoyFour. Chatting away in the never ending queue about anything and everything. He seemed cute, as in two years younger than me cute. Which I was not fussed about. When we finally got our food, we went outside and he told us how his friends left him and he’s alone and can’t afford a taxi by himself…blah blah blah. Then he wanted to know what I was doing and where I’m staying which of course was my friend’s. My exact words were “We’re going home to eat naked in bed” to which he replied “I’ll join you” while chomping away on his burger. He was a full on chancer, but then all of a sudden his friends appeared. He then attempted to be smooth and go in for a cheeky kiss.

There was just this awkward second of him thinking “I can’t kiss her with this burger in my mouth” and me thinking “He better not kiss me with that burger in his mouth”. While I could see his thought process he eventually plopped a sloppy one on my cheek. Only chuffed with himself he ran off thinking he was Romeo and I was left with a cheek smelling of burger. Lovely.

#NightThree. Halloween night, I was dolled up from head to toe in my costume. There was absolutely no holding back as this was the big night. Birthday celebrations were going to be sealed with a birthday kiss, maybe even #BoyThree could reappear. Was I successful? I was in my arse. I was kissing no one that night unless I wanted to be done for paedophilia. Everyone was about twelve. At one point a guy came over and asked me to kiss his friend. “Who asks people to kiss their friends anymore? How old are you?” He was nineteen, NINETEEN! Now, two years younger I will do but this was taking the piss. I was feeling very old at that stage and the music was making me feel even older so I decided to call it a night. On the way home I was feeling defeated.

Am I old now?

Do I still have it?

How can people dance to music with no words?

How do you get a boy to kiss you?

What is wrong with me?

But of course my friend soon snapped me out of that. I guess that was just the “change” talking. If I was still in a relationship I wouldn’t have to ask these questions. I would be at a different stage in my life asking different questions. I guess it’s hard to not think of how I felt before I was no one’s.

Me: Typical

On the plane home reflecting on how much fun my trip was and finally accepting I didn’t get the wear, what happens? A man gets up and proposes to his three month pregnant girlfriend. In all the planes in all the sky your man has to propose on my one. Well rub it in why don’t you?! #ForeverAlone.

Until next week.

Tinderella

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